my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
