Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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