After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
