after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
