A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
