Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
