She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
