we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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