I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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