My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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