I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
