She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
