Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
