i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
