Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
