I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and i looked up. we had an audience...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
