im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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