living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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