Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
