just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
