hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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