I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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