I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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