someone threw a dead crab at me
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
