well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
