I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
