omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
