I just threw up on my dentist
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
