does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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