gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
