there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize