How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
