Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
