I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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