I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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