Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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