why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I would ride that face into the sunset
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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