I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
