I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
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