Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
being pregnant is like rehab
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need to calm my uterus...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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