Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
