So drunk its hurt
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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