i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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