i already hear my dad disowning me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
