Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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