it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
