He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
