i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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