Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
