I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
