why didn't you poke me back
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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