My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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