i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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