So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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