so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
