didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
