I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
