i permit you to call me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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