so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
