So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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