Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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