I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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