none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
