My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
