Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
