every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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